Thursday, August 28, 2008

I didn't want to

Well, to be honest, I was thinking of not posting tonight, as I was feeling like I didn't have much to say. I've been reading through many blogs lately, and have even developed some friendships through this wonderful blog world. The word 'friendships' may seem funny to some, but I really feel like I've connected with the people I've been conversing with through their posts. Some blogs, I must admit, are ones I've found through comments left on other blogs, and I've visited their site but have yet to post a comment. I am very intrigued by people and their lives, their stories. I realize this is all just sounding like nothing....what's the point of this post? Well, many people seem to be going through tough spots in their lives right now. Some are dealing with sick family members, others are facing the wait period between wanting a child of their own and actually receiving the blessing of one. It's the latter of the two that I feel a tug at my heart when I read about them. It hits home with me and tonight I've found myself in tears as I sit and read about so many wonderful people out their struggling with infertility or other barriers that are preventing them from having a baby of their own.

Some of you may already know (although most of you do not) that I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy. It is something that I rarely, actually I should say never, talk about. It was the absolute lowest point in my life. I had never felt so much pain in my heart. I used to think to myself, "My heart is actually hurting, aching, in a physical way, not just emotionally." I hate to admit it, but initially, I questioned God. Why would He do this to me, to us? Why did I deserve this? What could I have done differently? The day at the doctor's office when they tried to find my baby's heartbeat but could not, I just wanted to lie there and beg them to keep trying. Please, please keep trying. But they seemed to be so matter of fact about it. I guess they didn't want to give me a false hope. They told me to go home and come back in 2 days to try one more time. I prayed for 2 days nonstop that God would give our baby a heartbeat. I cried until I had no tears left. I do not want to rehash all of the painful details here; I don't think I could really put into words how I felt if I wanted to. It's a time in my life I try not to revisit. I just could not understand why it was happening to me. Why me Lord?
But it was one day while I was praying that I heard God say, "Hollie, I'm with you. I'm here beside you. I've been with you the whole time. I'm bigger than any pain you're feeling. I have great plans for you." I soon began to realize that this is where faith comes in. I had to trust God and the plans that He had for me. I knew He wanted to bless us with a child, and His timing is always perfect. I had to let go and let God, which is sometimes extremely hard to do. I had to change the way I prayed. Instead of telling God what I wanted, I had to ask God that His will be done and trust in Him. I was trying to deal with everything by myself, in my own way instead of resting in the assurance that He provides. I know that many people prayed for me during that time and I know that is why I was able to come through it still praising His name, for all of the other things He had already blessed me with, like a wonderful husband, a home, a job, family, friends, etc. I realized that I can't just praise God when things are going smoothly, but I also need to be praising him through the storms that life so often brings. Nothing catches God by surprise. God is still God no matter where I'm at in life. One song that really helped me during that time was Casting Crowns "Praise You in the Storm". This song helped me cry and praise Him at the same time. It helped me heal and to look up, instead of down. If you have time, I hope you take a minute to listen to it.

The great part of this story is that God DID indeed bless us with a beautiful little girl who is my love, my life. He blessed us in His time, not my own. Thank you Lord for Kate.

Sorry for such a long post. Even though I kept trying to blow it off, I kept feeling that the Lord wanted me to write about this, to share my story, my trials and then finally my triumph. I just hope this can encourage someone in some way. I will be lifting up prayers for all of you in the midst of a "storm".
Sending love and prayers, Hollie


Naturally Caffeinated Family said...

Thank you.

TheVanzants said...

As I read your post, it took me back to the time we were trying to have a sweet baby of our of. Now, I don't know what it's like to lose one, but I do know EXACTLY what it's like to have to 'let go, and let God'. I struggled with this for a very long time - I always thought, I want a baby and I should be able to have one when I want one - the Lord had different plans and it took alot for me to realize that.

I LOVE that song - I always listen to it when I walk - I STILL cry because I know that once I started praising God in my 'storm' is when He gave me the peace that one day I WILL have my baby - and I do now, my sweet Reese :)

And now I have to trust Him that one day if it be His will, He will perform a miracle and bless us with another child.

Your post was very encouraging to me, Hollie - love ya!

Dana said...

Your post really touched my heart. It is so hard to let go and let God take control. We were blessed with our child easily, but I am now faced with the fact I can't have anymore. Even to this day it's something I just don't want to deal with.

Thanks for giving me a bit of encouragement and see that even though things may not go as planned God does know best :)

The Libby's said...

I completely understand where you are coming from. When I miscarried I felt the same exact way. You encouraged my then, and your blog encourages me now. I am so thankful to have been blessed with my beautiful Cale, but if it had not been for me miscarrying, I would not have him. The Lord always know what is best for us. Even though it may not seem that way to us, he see the big picture and is looking out for us!

Jennifer said...

i'm glad you wrote this, hollie. i am so sorry that you had to go through this. sometimes it is so hard to understand God's ways...

oh for grace to trust Him more~

Linda said...

This is a beautiful post. I have had three miscarriages and now have three wonderful children. It is a very hard place to walk through but now you and I and others who have lost little ones in this way have a testimony of how God can and will bring you through this valley if you let Him. Thanks for sharing.
I found your blog through a comment you left on another one.